Stuck In A Time Loop

Everybody loves a good time loop movie: Groundhog Day, Palm Springs, Edge of Tomorrow. But imagine living in one of those time loops. How exhausting it must be to know that everyday is the same. And even in the movies when they do crazy, outrageous things, they know the next day will be the same. It’s always some big emotional breakthrough that ends their time loop.

I live in a time loop. And I think a lot of us do. I feel like every day I wake up with the same anxieties, same routines, same despairs. “What am i doing” “Why do I feel like this” “Why am I so anxious about that”. I look around and notice everyone else is walking down the path. I’m tied to the same spot, walking circles around it. I don’t go down the path. I stay where I am. And it’s infuriating. Because I make a choice to cut myself free, just to end up in another time loop.

I felt myself stuck and desperate to get out in February. So I moved to London a few months later. Now that I’ve settled, I feel stuck in a time loop again. My same uncertainties are here, my same fears. Nothing is different other than the city I’m in. It’s infuriating! And now I have a few months to decide what to do. Where will I live? Where will I go to school? What about a job? Nothing disappeared. Nothing became clear. And while I still have time here to figure my stuff out, I feel the clock ticking. Friends are having babies, getting married, graduating and I’m still stuck.

So what do I do? How do I keep myself from giving up? Or better question: how do I not let myself believe that I’m not making progress? Logic is very different than what my brain typically tells itself. I can think “Oh Emma Grace that makes no logical sense” but I will still believe it. When your emotions are so strong, logic is not a strong enough defense. It’s exhausting going in these circles every day.

How do we escape the time loop? Not a clue. I’m not an expert. But I know I can’t be the only person feeling stuck. Feeling helpless. But as my mom says “it’s fine”. It will be fine. I will look back on this moment and smile. I hope.