One Day at a Time
Hello all. It has almost been a full year since my fam moved to the Dominican Republic. It hit me today that it's almost been a full year.
In that year, I have spent roughly 8 weeks with my family. Just 8. I've called countless times, but only 8 weeks in their presence. So prepare for this sob fest:
How am I supposed to do this for 4 more years? This has been such a long year. That may be because it is the year 2020 and everything has gone wrong, but it also is because I have lost my home. I think I've held it together pretty well for the most part. But there are a few times where I didn't and I'm going to share those with you in this post.
1. Roughly late March/early April: I don't remember the exact date, but I remember the night so well. I was laying in bed, trying to sleep and something occurred to me: I wanted to go home. But not to my physical home, to my home home. And then I lost it. I fully lost it in bed that night. I just kept crying to myself "I want to go home." My home isn't the house in Missouri City (we sold that). My home isn't even the place I currently call home. It's not my parents home in the DR. But it is my family. I just wanted them around.
2. My birthday. My mom sent me a text right at midnight and I sobbed. And then that night I sobbed some more. I have the most wonderful grandparents, who made my day so special. I am so grateful that they let me live with them for 5 months. They saved me from fully losing my mind during covid. But I lost it on my birthday. I cried. I felt alone, even though I was so well loved.
3. The day I left the DR (July 27th) I didn't want to be the one who cried. I was that person at Christmas. So I decided not to be this time. I cried it all out that afternoon. I sat upstairs and cried, and then came down to enjoy the last few hours. I tried not to cry when we said goodbye to my mom and sisters. I tried not to cry when I watched my 1o year old sister weep at the gate as we left. I tried not to cry in the car ride to the airport. I cry now thinking about it. My therapist told me so many times to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of Zoey and Scottie. She thought I would show them how strong I was if I allowed myself to be vulnerable, but I couldn't. And I regret that everyday.
4. When my dad left me at my apartment. Again, tried really hard not to cry. After he walked out, I locked the door, walked to my living room, and fell to the ground. I cried for so long. I finally got over it, walked to my room and found a long note he wrote me. I won't reveal what he wrote, but in true Scott fashion, it was what I needed to hear. And then I cried some more.
5. A few weeks ago. Again, don't remember the exact date. But I laid on my bathroom floor and wept. My poor dog was so confused. I just kept crying. It was one of those days, where I would call, and Zoey and Scottie weren't really in the mood to talk, and my parents were busy and couldn't really talk. I just felt alone. I'm not alone, I know. But for that moment it really felt like I lost my family. I kept thinking "Will we ever go back to normal?" "Is this our new reality?" Obviously it isn't, we've since talked pretty much everyday, but in the moment my fears felt so real.
6. Today. As I write this. As I reflect on these really (excuse my language) shitty days. Because I hear my fears inside me. One of them is that Zoey is 10. She's a child. She will come back at a 14 year old. I will have missed her childhood. She will be a different person. I know it's dumb to say that, but it's a real fear of mine. I want to be close to her. I want her to think of me as her sister, not her "older sister who I'm not super close to." I want her to look up to me and love me. I know that sounds conceited, but it's pure at its core. That's one of my fears. Another one is how will Scottie react to me in 4 years. I was her person. I was her best friend. I always said I'd take care of her after my parents get too old to. What if she pulls away? What if I never get her back? What if I'm not her best friend? These are my worst fears. Another fear is my mom. My mom and I are pretty close. I would never tell her to her face, because it would give her a big head, but there is nobody's opinion I hold higher. I want her approval of things constantly. I don't make decisions without running them by her. And when I don't I worry about her response. Without her here, I'm afraid of disappointing her. I'm afraid of not being the person she dreamed I'd be. What if she comes back in 4 years, and everything is different? And lastly, my dad. My dad is a saint in my eyes. He can do no wrong. My dad and I are also pretty close. We have similar love languages. so we would often go see movies together or go for lunch, because it was quality time. What if he comes back and doesn't want to do those things with me? What if he distances himself from me? Who will I go to with all of my big life questions and for advice on big decisions?
These are my fears. They are a little silly. They come from a place of insecurity and imagination, but at my breaking points they feel so real. They feel like a heavy weight. Writing these made them real. My sleeves on my sweatshirt are covered in snot and it's nasty. But I needed to write about it. Sometimes our fears are larger than life. It's easy to look at these things I've listed, and give dozens of reasons on why they're wrong, but in those moments when I miss home a bit more than normal, those fears are ready to run.
This year hasn't been all bad. My brother and I are definitely a lot closer. It's not that we weren't close as kids, but I genuinely couldn't stand him. If you would have asked me in high school if I thought my brother liked or loved me, I would have told you no. Honestly. But now I would say yes. He may not say it, but I know. I know he likes me now. I know he has always loved me. I think it took us only having each other for me to see it. When I got in my car accident in February, he called me to talk. He sends me tiktoks he thinks I'll like. We talk about movies and politics. We can share things about our lives. This has definitely been a bright side in my year.
2020 has been a tough year. Socially, politically, and emotionally too much. I'm exhausted and it's barely October. Maybe things will get better. I hope so. But I know if I continue to share these fears, to be honest about my feelings, I can and I will make it. I have four more years of this separation, but as cheesy as it sounds, I will take it one day at a time.